Jokes
A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress. Immediately,
a member of the security team goes after him yelling:
- Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressman are about to go
out!
The man replies:
-Don't worry. I have a good alarm in my car.
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One
night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God
bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next
day his grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless
Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus
while crossing the street
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy,
goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to
work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he had hired. He couldn't
concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally
came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "The most awful thing
happened! The milkman dropped dead on our back porch!"
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Stupid but true...
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
RESUMES THAT DIDN'T WORK...
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology,
I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit
a job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work
by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
=--=
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop
souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let’s watch the registration table
to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam
our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput
to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of
registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic
events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and
roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada.
Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration
table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy
yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan -
OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he
doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the
registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Get Your Money's Worth
=--=
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407.
He packaged up his payment & included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached
article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet
seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of
$22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a r.5 inch
screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head
Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and
"screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Gettook Everyear
Question: How do you get a University of Maine graduate to get off your porch?
Answer : You pay for the pizza!!
A man's perspective
=--=
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the
sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief,
doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with
eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a
crib like that for only $46.50!"
Two Brothers
=--=
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to
keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple,
and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could
the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also
spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity,
the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising
campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check
for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for
the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my
brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He
cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the
rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead
brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he
commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.
After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and
shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his
brother, he was a mensch."
As if you didn't know...
=--=
Random Funny Facts
* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used
once, on
the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even
in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with
drawings of his strange characters.
* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a
band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.
* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show"
was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the
Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.
* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church.
When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always
appointed to give an alternative view.
* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago
than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King
James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the
first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.
* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a
designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball,
Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end
with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic.
Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado
valanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man
on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after
Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only,
home run.
* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to
a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest
city.
* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating
to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Our Town Is So Small...
=--=
our city limits signs are both on the same post!
the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
the phone book has only one page
there's nothing doing every minute
the ZIP code was a fraction
Second Street is in the next town over
there's no place to go that you shouldn't
a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
the New Year's baby was born in October
A Quote
=--=
"The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this
problem of. . .older men who prey on underage women. . .There are consequences
to decisions and. . .one way or another, people always wind up being held
accountable."
-Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing a national effort
against teen pregnancy (As quoted in U.S. News and World Report)
